Antithesis:Open letter to "L"

I just returned from a Paul Taylor Dance Company offering at our local theater venue.  The program included three long selections: Diggity, Piazzolla Caldera, and the one that made me write to you called Promethean Fire.  They danced to J S Bach and the famous Tocatta & Fugue in D minor and two other Bach pieces.

I saw you on stage, I saw you joyous, and free and trusting. I saw you unafraid and leaping from floor to human arms and being lifted higher and higher. I saw your vulnerability. No hiding in the wings, you were fully taking over the stage.

I saw you at the end of your journey, completely healed from all human suffering. I saw you in complete balance with your core elements : body, mind, feelings and sense of purpose.  You probably are thinking I'm crazy, but I swear nothing was more real in my experience tonight as to witness pure freedom and unabashed joy. Here is a link to the company performing it two years ago.  It might be hard to imagine how my thoughts brought you center stage, but it did.  It was a magical night, and I dared to imagine you, your soul being transformed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-KFRwETojc

I had to share my thoughts, and hopes and dreams.  You're one special cosmic ray of light.

Graduation

It's over.  My 12 weeks of self improvement for my health is over. There were a few surprises as we went around the room and mentioned our achievements.  I saw some break throughs from people that I had thought were not actively participating in the program.  It was touching.  

We had a focus group after our lovely dinner, complete with tablecloths and center pieces,  and we candidly shared our thoughts of strengths and weaknesses with the program.

At graduation time, we met in the conference room and the core presenters gave us diplomas and said lovely things about each of us, and our growth in the 12 weeks they've known us.  I was particularly touched by my accolade made by an RN I had a  one on one with (a private one hour session to discuss goals).  As she was telling the class about the graduate, my mind kept thinking of other participants, and was actually humbled when she called my name.  It was so lovely. 

But the highlight for me, hands down, was one participant with stage 4 cancer, who every single time, showed up for our meetings with a smile as big as the Cheshire Cat and whose essence was total positivism.  During our meetings each week, she presented her challenges and small steps she was taking to  make her life as full as possible.  If there was a Miss Congeniality award for this Life Enhancement Program, my vote would be for her.  A more sincere, beautiful soul you will never find in life.   She was extraordinary.  A shining example of courage and fortitude, of love and life. She even made spider plant gifts for each of us because one of her spider plants had a billion babies plants, so she used that energy and symbolism to make each and everyone of us a gift of life.   She also gave each of the core team gifts.

Whoa!  What can you top that with?

In a Washington State of mind

I like it here. Seattle.  I'm just ready to leave tonight and thought I'd try to capture some of my time in writing.  First, I found a wonderful Airbnb in an area Green Lake.  I was so happy to find that this lake, smaller than the Stockbridge Bowl, but bigger than Lake Mansfield had a wonderful exercise trail.  it seems like Seattle is REALLY good at providing services to the people of the city.  I went to the trail every day I was here walking and lightly jogging each morning.  What I found was that there was great freedom in being in a place where no one knows you.  It didn't matter what I wore for my walking, or how slow or fast I was. No one was there to chat, just to have their morning exercise - there was no judgement.

The paved trail had a nearly center yellow line, the right side (counterclockwise) to the lake was for bicycles and in line skates, while the left side (either clockwise or counterclockwise)  was for walkers and runners.  I saw all kinds of people, not a crowded trail like in NY Central Park, but people out for all sorts out for "fitness".  All body shapes were really inspiring and of course the anonymity.

There is such a rhythm to the early morning at Green Lake.  Walkers and runners with dogs of every breed and personality.  I saw several runners with three wheel child strollers only with dogs as occupants, older dogs enjoying the ride. One man had a German Shepherd pulling him while he skateboarded in the "wheel" lane.  And while this activity was busy, I saw several people doing Tai Chi, and other people calmly fishing, and those strolling with a Starbucks coffee in hand.  I loved every minute at this lake.  I wish we had something like this in the Berkshires.

So that was how I started my day, but the real Sense of Purpose began in seeing my daughter and her family.  Z is just so good natured and easy to be with that we spent a lot of time with her.  I brought her to the Asian art museum and I found a Pride celebration where there were many activities for children.  One vendor had child size butterfly wings that they could glue feathers and craft items to.

My daughter's graduation was very nice.  She looked great in her gown with her colored hood.  So many of her friends from her apartment village came to wish her congratulations.  One friend brought flowers and a card.

In my short time, I visited a winery north of here, the art museum, a salt water swimming pool on Puget Sound, and today the Gas Works park.  I'm tired but fulfilled.  My daughter left this morning for Kolkata, and will arrive in gosh only knows, 35 hrs?  She flew from Seattle to Minnesota, then on to Paris, then to Delhi, then she'll take a flight to Kolkata.

So I leave in a few hours, back to my high school track for exercise.  But a part of the essence of Seattle and the values Washington State has for its residence will linger with me.  

It's A Wonderful Life

CRI/LEP lecture on JOY!

Last Wednesday, Gary, a nurse and certified health and wellness coach from Berkshire Medical Center gave a half-hour presentation on joy!  Finding joy in your life. He mentioned that joy is a universal need, and that it has aspects which are good for our health - like autonomy, feeling connected to others, honesty, sense of purpose, peace and physical well being with play time.  Gary mentioned that joy creates emotion and if you take the "e" out you're left with motion....

We were shown a video of the Japanese Snow Monkeys. I guess it was to show the connectedness they have with each other in their family/social groups and also to make us laugh with their monkeying around.  We also did some interactive fun exercises with drums and keeping a beating pattern, we wore red clown noses (that were pretty silly), and practiced laughing.  I must say it did lighten up the mood.   Our Rx for finding joy in life was:  1. Have fun, 2. Be present, and 3. Let go and enjoy.   I guess that's not a bad list to remember.

So now let me tell you about yesterday and how I think it relates to what I'm learning in the CRI program.

A friend died this past March.  I sang in Bach with him and his wife for at least a decade.  He was a prominent psychiatrist in the area and was one of the nicest people you could ever meet.  He and his wife made a wonderful couple, raising 5 children? not quite sure but I can name five. They just lived a life filled with beauty: music and art and nature.  Their children are artists, musicians, science and math pros and extraordinary people. Their grandchildren are equally diverse in their talents and I enjoyed talking with them at the memorial service and at the family home after the service.

The program of service paid tribute to this wonderful human being.  I got to sing in the choir, two big pieces one by Brahms and the other from the Mozart Requiem.  What gave me joy was to be able to participate in the way I knew him best, through classical music.  But what also was extraordinary was the shape of the program for the service.  It honored my friend in so many ways, with tributes from his grandchildren, colleagues, son-in-law and sons.  One son a poet and musician sang songs from  Ritchie Havens and John Coltrane.  The words written by this son were so perfect...it made you want to cry but the joy lifted it to a higher place.  I've attended a hundred funerals and memorial services and this one was something special.  And I've learned in the CRI program about sound and vibrations helping to get us focused. This service started with a professional gong ringer.  He had many Asian gongs and sound devices and "played" for about 5 minutes, with us listening and centering and relaxing into the rhythm and almost tone-less sound.  It was amazing!

I went to the family house afterwards where the joy and celebration took on a new dimension.  They have a large old clapboard house, the kind with creaking wooden floors and a yard beyond expectations with forty-foot clusters of lilacs in bloom, and peonies ready to burst.  Inside the house the rooms were ample and the front parlor had a grand piano and harpsichord.  Food was placed in two rooms off the parlor and a screen porch had the drinks.  There were seats for anyone who wanted one, not any that had to be rented, just a home filled with a life of cherished possessions, real comfy chairs.

So back to the connection of the Canyon Ranch Institute and Fairview program.  This feeling of joy came over me, just watching the joy of this extended family.  It reminded me of the play You Can't Take It With You by George S. Kaufman and Moss Hart.  It's about a family who have so many odd interests but love each others eccentricities.

Conversations drifted from group to group, someone started playing the piano and groups of guests and family sang song after song.  Grandchildren raced from room to room. Food was in a buffet style, but that was just the hors d'oeuvres!  Someone announced that dinner was ready!  Ham, and salad and vegetable side dishes,  all yummy.  

The evening ended with me watching a HUGE bonfire be lit in the far end of the back yard.  It nearly caught the trees on fire, but it was something my friend had always done.  Make a big bonfire, and the family honored that and my guess is they will always do that.  What joy, what a beautiful family and a lasting legacy.

Little by little the CRI information is creeping into my daily thoughts and experiences.  I hope we will keep the joy in our own lives.

Meeting the RN

I had a meeting with an ER nurse named Rich.  He was very nice.  We had an hour for our meeting, and he had all the lab results,  and had read through the my 100 question questionnaire!  Well, I was prepared!! I had my paperwork, my blood work results and an index card with my questions for him.  I was on the mission to find out about my C Reactive Protein and the inflammation going on in my body.  I was armed with the tests you thought I might consider and my friend Leigh had suggestions too.

I launched into my questions.  Rich was thoughtful but found a way to get me centered and not so overly focused on my lab results.  He also spent time talking to me about the additional blood tests I thought could help me in my quest for a lower CRP.  In short, Rich was concerned that the tests I thought could help, would be non-specific tests and that if I did have them I still might not find out why my CRP is 9.5.  Of course he also mentioned that I should talk to my doctor, but what he was trying to do was shift my laser focus on these tests.  He mentioned that lab values change all the time, that laboratories can show different results.  And what if I did take a test and a new health concern was uncovered, I might be chasing a rabbit into a hole.

What I really discovered when I think about the hour visit, is how I am not a relaxed sort.  I could hear myself babbling and racing ahead with questions, and statements and what I've been reading, and what I've been discussing.  It all really started to seem obsessive and anxious and not at all calm.  Probably everyone in the study has the same mental state.  I mentioned about the food, food, and more food,  what I think is really out of whack is my mental state.

In the tire metaphor for this program, the tires needing the most inflating this week and maybe forever is the MIND and FEELING.

I want this program to go faster, "just cut to the chase" kind of deal.  I have a lot of thoughts on a whole lot of healing...and I'm using my good buddies like you to supplement my rapid improvement.  I'm heading to be a poster child for wellness, I'm on the fast track.  But.....I'm not calm, not peaceful, and my behavior shows my possible attention deficit disorder.  (I'm diagnosing myself here).  My mind scrambles, flitting from one new source on wellness to another.  I scared myself by watching a  Dr. Oz youtube video of his health show focusing on the CRP and how I was heading for a coronary heart attack.  I then looked at a site about knowing the symptoms of having a heart attack.  ownahealthyheart.com   oh good God!  Well, I didn't get a good night's sleep that night.

Rich did his best and was very, very good and bringing me back to the integrative approach.  Setting small goals was better than just saying "I want to lose weight",  that's too vague.  It might be an ultimate goal but setting mini-goals will help make the ultimate possible.  We came up with strategies and and a longer time frame with which to reach goals.  He was glad L and I are working on the exercise portion by walking nearly every day. He suggested that I meet with the nutritionist next. So that meeting will be set up soon.

I think if the MIND and FEELING tires can get some inflating, the BODY tire will come along maybe easier, and the SENSE OF PURPOSE tire will have room to inflate.  It sounds corny but I think this is a program that came into my life at the right time.

Recognizing the Gift

L sent me this quote last night, and an explanation about it today (see below). This is about our open and honest discussions about our health issues on our every other day walk/runs.  

The reference to the diabetes summit was one that I signed up for on the internet in March and for 8 days had 5 speakers a day giving points of view on reversing diabetes, and experts in functional medicine, nutrition etc.  I've been telling L how inspirational they were last year and again this year.  I don't have diabetes but it's better to make my healthy choices NOW before I land in metformin land. drugs baby drugs, not lifestyle changes!!!  

M

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.

Anne Lamott

When I read the quote it felt like the perfect metaphor for weight loss. We started in such a dark place with our health so fractured and it takes such a long time and so much work to do to regain our healthy selves that we need to just show up and make one small change at a time and the dawn will come. 

I also read one of the diabetes summit articles! It was the one by Dr. Sara Gottfried (funny her name has fried in it:-) haha… It was great because she spent some time talking about the yo-yo effect, emotional eating and self sabotaging. She even talked some about diet soda. It’s almost as if I were in her office and she was talking about me. She gave some great suggestions on what she tells her patients. It’s funny because I randomly picked it, although I must admit, I was looking to read an article by a woman first - haha. Thanks for sending these along!

Genesis

L and I went to the first meeting of The Canyon Ranch Institute life enhancement program (CRI/LEP) at Fairview hospital on Wednesday night.  It will be the first of 12 sessions to help 20 participants find  "wellness".  This program is going to help us get our health and our lives in balance.  They use the metaphor of thinking our lives as tires on a car, when all the tires are full of air you are in balance, when you get a flat the car isn't balanced and you stop your trip.   I think it's a good metaphor, and they've broken down each tire to represent a part of our healthy journey: body, feelings, mind and sense of purpose.

We have a nice big binder to read before hand and take notes if we want to.  A team of 12 professional from the hospital have all been trained by Canyon Ranch and are our partners as we go through the twelve weeks.  Wednesday we had a social worker Megan give a presentation of the tire concept.  She did a very good job.  We also walked up and down flights of stairs and walked around Fairview (it was cold and rainy outside) and did some physical therapy stretches.  This will be a component of every session.

Before Megan gave her presentation, there were staff from Berkshire Medical Center and Fairview to greet us and there was a true sense of joy that we were doing this program.  One special guest from BMC a Dr. Pettis.  He's an MD that specialized in nephrology.  His parents had poor health and eventually died, and he himself started having health problems.  Rather than just take meds, he started looking at integrative medicine, and he started changing his habits with diet and exercise.  Like the metaphor above, his tires needed air.  He became healthier and left nephrology and is in administration at BMC working on initiatives like this one.  Gosh, he was nice and articulate about functional medicine.  I kept hoping he'd say he has a private practice,  I'd jump at the chance to make an appointment.  You'd like him a lot.

Then a great thing is that we get a dinner each meeting.  Canyon Ranch recipes are going to be used and Wednesday we had,  Spanish onion soup, a choice of poached salmon with citrus or chicken, brown rice, steamed broccoli, a tossed salad and dessert of baked apples with ginger and nuts and dried cranberries.  You can choose what you want but I thought that we should sample everything so we can see what CR is trying to achieve: portion size, nutritionally balanced entree, and tastes of salty and sweet.  L agreed, so we took one sample of the soup and one dessert cup.  I thought the food was very good.  I really didn't have a complaint.  However, many people in the group had comments about the broccoli being overcooked, or that no recipes should have sugar since that is not healthy, and another woman spoke up and disagreed that she didn't want flavorless food, then another is on a sodium restriction. It became clear that food is going to be a major issue with this group.  L and I have talk a lot about going all-in for these 12 weeks.  CR has been helping people for a long time,  I think we need to give them a chance.  Since I've been limiting sugar, the dessert cup seemed very sweet...but it's not to say I couldn't be inspired to make it myself (they give us all the recipes) and tweak it.  You do it all the time.

So that was it. The three hours passed quickly.  I do wonder how us 20 participants are really going to gel.  L and I were the only ones that asked questions, and we've been preparing for over a month, talking about it, starting to walk every other day, and I've been reading the Tim Ferris book again the 4-hour body, and going over Dr. Mowll's diabetes seminar lectures.  Next week L and I have to meet with the nursing team where we will go over our lab tests, and create our unique journey...
I've got my tire gauge ready and we have the air compressor in the garage... wish us luck

M

ps: I found this quote from L this morning...she's such a peach, a perfect buddy...I am so very lucky

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.

Anne Lamott